senior!

so school started back, so i am now a senior in high school, its not as awesome as people make it out to be but i do enjoy the senior privileges. but there is a lot of work involved, like applying for college, scholarships, SAT, ACT, having a good GPA. its pretty stressful. not to mention the added stress of having a social life. but you dont get anywhere in life with out putting in the hard work.

my dad and chrystal having started talking again my dad says he doesnt know whats going to happen, but if they did get back together that we would have to work out all the problems, meaning mine and chrystals relationship. and honetly i would try agian, if she will treat me better, becasue i do want us to be a family, i know all to well how important family is, and i would love to have a mother figure in my life.

speaking of which, Glenda and Tracy are getting a divorce, in case you don't know, Glenda is my mother for all intents and purposes, she is the omen that raised me and i love her. Tracy was/is here husband but he is a jerk, and she caught him cheating on her, she has to deal with that, plus the scare of possibly having cancer again. i want to call her and tell her i love her and everything will be okay but i don't think that'll be enough, i wish i could see her in person but she lives an hour away from me and its hard to keep in touch sometimes because of school and tennis but i do my best.

me and my dad currently are living with my grandma because dad and Chrystal are still separated i love my grandmother s much she has been there for me since i can remember but she is a very hard person to live with because she wants to control everything all the time and when you try and make her stop she gets really mad and defensive so there isn't much that can be done so i just have to deal. but hopefully things will calm down soon and i can catch my breath. p.s. do excuse my grammar and punctuation errors thanks :)

the life i know

im so used to putting on a happy face that I've forgotten a lot about myself, i don't really know who i am anymore, i try to be the best person i can be but for some reason i never get there. i just feel like I'm not important to anyone, my self esteem has always to been an issue of mine but I've always been able to pick myself up off the ground when its hard, but it gets hard and harder each time. i want to feel accepted. even though I'm told i am and i seem to have so many friends i still feel empty inside. i know that i will be okay. because I've gone through so much already i can handle anything, i just wish i didn't think the way i do, i wish i could let people in, and learn to let certain things go. i think i would be a lot happier.

where to begin...

so i finally realized what i wanted to do wit this blog it needed to be about me and my life, i know that no one is probably going to read this but i think this can help get out emotions that i feel when i can't show them in the real world, that's the beauty of the internet i think. so lets see what going on in amber land right now.

well im going through a bit of a hard time at home, my dad and step mom(chrystal) are having some problems, shes hasn't been herself lately and its kinda tense around the house. i don't say much to her casue i feel like she jump right into yelling at me or something, we were never that close i wish it wasnt that way but but it is. to be honest I've always felt like she didn't like me to begin with but i think that my insecurities talking lol. i always strive for a mother daughter relationship because i don't have one with my real mother, but i do have one with my first step mom her name is Glenda, her and my dad got together when he and my real mom got divorced (i was only a baby) so she kinda raised me. she the closest thing I've got and I'm so thankful for her, but i always look for acceptance from the women my dad is with i don't why, but i feel like i didn't have a mother figure for the early part of my life. myself and Glenda only reconnected a few years ago when i move closer to where she was, i don't know i guess I'll just have to see how things turn out. i know that there are more important thing going on in the world other than my problems but theses thoughts always seem to invade my mind and it feels good to be able to put them somewhere other than just keeping it bottle up.